How to Get Sick

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Alas, Christmas break has ended and like most, you’re desperately searching for a way to extend your vacation. What better way to reassert your youthful freedom than by spending a few glorious days bedridden and runny-nosed? Following these basic steps can go a long way in ensuring you get sick.

Don’t Wash Your Hands

Throughout the day, our hands become a mix of germs and a breeding ground for the viruses trying to make their way into our bodies. Want an extension on all those looming deadlines? Want to preserve the bacteria that is infecting you? One of the simplest ways to get sick is to avoid washing your hands. Always. Not before meals, not after using the bathroom, and especially not before touching your face.

Ignore Your Health

Almost everyone sees those pesky Instagram threads spouting lies about the benefits of “taking care of yourself” and “being healthy.” Well, here’s the truth: that’s overrated. In this fast-paced college environment, there is no time to eat right, be active or stay on top of your hygiene. Make sure to weaken your immune system by stocking up on pizza and ramen, minimizing your amount of daily activity and only doing laundry once a year. Not only will you increase your chances of getting sick, but you’ll begin to develop your own unique and alluring smell.

Stop Sleeping

I get it. You have two tests tomorrow and a quiz due tonight that you haven’t even started the reading for. Don’t worry! Instead of improving your time management skills, just try the foolproof and ancient method of substituting sleep with caffeine. According to a study conducted by researchers at University of California, San Francisco, getting less than six hours of sleep a night doubles the risk of infection. Plus, abandoning sleep has the extra bonus of turning you into a real-life zombie, moans and all. A win-win for you sci-fi fans out there.

Sharing is Caring

Maybe your limited college budget has forced you to share the single metal spoon you own between you and your two roommates. Or you like to regularly flaunt the bond between you and your best friend by sharing everything from drinks to clothing. Great! These habits ensure that you are constantly vulnerable to potential illnesses. It doesn’t matter if your friends claim they aren’t sick; the National Health Service says that any person can still carry harmful bacteria for up to 24 hours even if they’re not showing any symptoms of an illness.

Don’t Listen to Yourself

If all else fails, the best thing you can do is to stop listening to yourself. Your own body will betray you and tell you that you need a break and should focus on your recovery. The key to preventing this is to ignore every single inner cue that you’re given. Don’t ever take naps, drink water or even so much as look at a vegetable. Remember, these all oppose your master plan. As we begin the second semester and launch back into the familiar routine of homework and studying, there is no better feeling than giving yourself a few days of rest to keep the stress at bay. Who wants to be healthy, anyway?

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Cristina Joseph

Cristina Joseph is a content marketing intern for BJUtoday.